I remember the hot summer when we discovered ice cream
sandwiches in
the bottom of the cooler at the corner store. They were ten
cents
apiece, a lot of money back then. I don't remember how we came
to buy
one and taste the sweet chocolate graham crust and the melting
vanilla
ice cream, but we were mad for them after that.
Of course, none of us had any money, allowances being unheard of
on
our side of town. Whether we rode our bikes, or played ball, or
sat
and played marbles, we talked and dreamed about those soft,
creamy
sandwiches. Within a week we had tapped out our sources of
money:
mooching and pop bottles for 2 cents each.
My dad worked nights, coming home to join us for breakfast, and
then
sleeping till late afternoon. When he came home one morning I
heard
the jingle of change in his pants and something ugly crept into
my
mind. That change was just what we needed, what I had to have.
All day long I kept coming into the house and listening at his
door.
Sleeping sounds: slow, even snoring. I cracked the door, and
there
hanging at the foot of the bed were those pants, that change,
those
ice cream sandwiches; my chance to be the big man in the
neighborhood.
I slipped in and took a handful of change.
We ate like greedy pigs, and I was a hero to my band of friends
as we
sat in the shade of the corner store. They thought I was rich.
I
told them it was birthday money I'd saved. I felt satisfied
before I
ever ate them sandwiches. I was somebody.
That went on every day for about two weeks and what a time it
was! I
had gotten good at slipping in and slipping out, and then ran to
my
buddies and we headed to the store.
One day there was no change in dad's pocket so I felt for his
wallet,
hesitated a moment, then took out two whole dollars. I had been
okay
with taking the change, but those dollars made my face feel hot.
Even
before we began gorging ourselves on ice cream, my stomach felt
sick.
The importance and joy I had felt buying for my friends was gone
that
afternoon. I realized I was in pretty deep. If dad knew, he'd
kill
me, but worse, he'd have that look in his eye, that
disappointment he
would get when I'd miss catching a ball or get a bad grade.
Now, I
had stolen from my dad. I couldn't face him, and didn't know
what to
do.
Early that afternoon, the sun high and hot, I grabbed my fishing
pole
and walked down the tracks to the reservoir, wishing my stomach
would
quit aching, and praying nobody would see me crying.
As I sat hurting that day, knowing there was no way to get right
with
my dad, I saw him walking along the tracks. He was big man who
sort
of swaggered like a sailor in a roiling sea, his arms swinging
to the
sides as he went. But now he was walking slow and deliberate,
looking
somehow as heavy as I felt. I couldn't run. I just sat there,
watching him come to me, my pole motionless in my hands, barely
breathing. I don't remember being afraid. No, it was more so
feeling
deeply sorrowful at hurting him. My eyes were watery when he
came up.
He just quietly sat alongside me and stared in the water with
me.
After what seemed a very long time he asked, "How're they biting
son?
I couldn't speak. I was too near crying, and he deserved me
acting
with some dignity I thought. We sat quietly, a bird singing
nearby,
and I stuck out my chin as best I could, willing to take
whatever
beating he thought I needed, if he would only take me back.
In a moment I will never forget, he said, "Son, I've known since
the
first day you took the money. I watched out the window as you
and
your friends ate ice cream. I didn't say anything, because I
wanted
to let you come and tell me yourself. It hurt me that you were
stealing from me, but it hurt more you didn't come and tell me.
Son,
you can always come to me when you've done wrong. I love you
son."
And with that, his hand reached out, not to strike me, but to
pull me
to his chest, where I cried. As I cried, my dad told me he
trusted
me, and that everything he had would be mine some day. Because
I
couldn't go to him, he came to me.
God is coming to you. It isn't so much your sin that hurts Him,
as
your reluctance to face Him and trust Him even in your failings.
He
is your Father. His calling is unchanging. His love,
unfailing. He
has come seeking you, true Shepherd that He is. Bury your head
in His
chest, accept His embrace, and begin again, as at the first, to
follow
Him. There, in His grace, you will find a firm foundation for
serving
others, your own needs met. Jesus has work for you still.