POSITION: Parent
JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long-term player needed for challenging,
permanent work in
chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent
communication and
organizational skills and be willing to work evenings and
weekends and frequent
24-hour shifts. There is some overnight travel required,
including trips to
primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports
tournaments in
faraway cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed.
RESPONSIBILITIES:
Must keep this job for the rest of your life.
Must be willing
to be hated, at least temporarily. Must be willing to bite
tongue repeatedly.
Must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule. Must be
willing to tackle
stimulating technical challenges such as small gadget repair,
sluggish toilets
and stuck zippers. Must handle assembly and product safety
testing, as well as
floor maintenance and janitorial work.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate
production of
multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and
organize social
gatherings for clients of all ages and levels of mentality.
Must be willing to
be indispensable one minute and an embarrassment the next.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of
end project.
ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION:
There is no possibility of either.
Your job is to
remain in the same position for years, without complaining,
constantly
retraining and updating your skills so that those in your charge
can ultimately
surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required, but on-the-job training is
offered on a
continually exhausting basis.
WAGES:
None. In fact, you must pay those in your charge,
offering frequent
raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18
and attend
college. When you die, you give them whatever income you have
left.
BENEFITS:
There is no health or dental insurance, no pension, no
tuition
reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options. However,
the job offers
limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for
life.