Three for Thurs....
January 13, 2000
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Bubba's Accident At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him. "Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'" "And then what happened?" the officer interrupted. "From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'
POLITICALLY CORRECT STATEMENTS FOR A NEW CENTURY Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive." Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps." You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time." You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome." No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced." You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective." You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal." It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information." AND FOR STUDENTS... The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged." No one fails a class anymore, he's merely "passing impaired." You don't have detention, you're just one of the "exit delayed." These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined." Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive." Your homework isn't missing, its just having an "out-of-notebook experience." You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness." You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear." You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations." You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building."
Rabbi Schwartz answers his phone. "Hello is this Rabbi Schwartz?" "It is" "This is the IRS. Can you help us?" "I can." "Do you know a Sam Cohen?" "I do." "Is he a member of your congregation?" "He is." "Did he donate $10,000?" "He will."
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