4 for U
January 25, 2000
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Mahatma Ghandi, a deeply spiritual man, walked
barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet
became quite thick and hard. His frequent hunger
strikes left him seriously frail and thin, and his
peculiar diet gave him bad breath. He came to be known as a super-callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis. "You might be a fundamentalist..." If the name of your church includes both the words, "Tabernacle" and "Temple". If the person that cleans your church uses a checklist that includes the words, "wipe the spit off the pulpit". If you have the Roman Road on your answering machine. If you wear a short-sleeved shirt under your suit coat. If you sweat when you preach. If other people sweat when you preach. If you preach against men who "wear their collar backwards," while yours is unbuttoned. If you pronounce the phrase "shadow of a doubt" as one world. If you have heard at least ten sermons on the text "Preach the Word" from men who weren't. If you have a tri-colored rotating light in your baptistery. If you have ever taught Sunday School in a bus. If you list the "Church Bus News" as a bibliography reference in your theology papers. If you have ever scheduled a business meeting after the evening service on Super Bowl Sunday. If you regularly take more than one offering per service. If your sound system was purchased at Radio Shack. If your church supports more than 200 missionaries at less than $25 a month. If you have ever torn an outline out of "Handfuls on Purpose" and taken it to the pulpit to preach. If you regularly preach more than one hour. If most of your congregation sits on folding chairs. If you hold sit-down banquets in your auditorium. If you have the AWANA circle painted on the floor of your auditorium. If most of your buildings are metal. If you ever have broken saltines for communion. If, when the pastor says he has "studied the text in the original language," you think he means the King James Version. If the mere sight of a KFC bucket means you feel like taking up an offering. If you think the hymn "Just as I Am" naturally has 35 verses and takes 21 minutes to sing. If, when meeting a Marine fresh out of boot camp, your first thought is "Nice haircut." If someone asks what you think about contemporary Christian music and your first thought is of George Beverly Shea. If the Trustees of your church vote to remove the ceiling fans because too many ladies have gotten their "beehive" hairdos caught in the blades. If you think Aunt Maude and Uncle Clem are "unequally yoked" because she's a Baptist and he's a Nazarene. "Following the example..." Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her. Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears. Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"
"Last time..."
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor
says, The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings." The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess." The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?" Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!" The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?" The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"
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