Christmas Leftovers
December 31, 2001
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A Vow of Silence At a remote monastery deep in the woods, the monks followed a rigid vow of silence. This vow could only be broken once a year on Christmas, by one monk, and the monk could speak only one sentence. One Christmas, Brother Thomas had his turn to speak and said, "I love the delightful mashed potatoes we have every year with the Christmas roast!" Then he sat down. Silence ensued for 365 days. The next Christmas, Brother Michael got his turn, and said, "I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I truly despise them!" Once again, silence ensued for 365 days. The following Christmas, Brother Paul rose and said, "I am fed up with this constant bickering!"
"All I Needed to Know about Life I Learned From a Snowman" 1. It's okay if you're a little bottom heavy. 2. Hold your ground, even when the heat is on. 3. Wearing white is always appropriate. 4. Winter is the best of the four seasons. 5. It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection. 6. There's nothing better than a foul weather friend. 7. We're all made up of mostly water. 8. You know you've made it when they write a song about you. 9. Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize! 10. Avoid yellow snow. 11. Don't get too much sun. 12. It's embarrassing when you can't look down and see your feet. 13. It's fun to hang out in your front yard. 14. Always put your best foot forward. 15. There's no stopping you once you're on a roll.
Practical Jokes to Play on Santa 1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds. 2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket. 3. Leave him a note explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants. 4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly. 5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit! 6. Leave a note by the telephone telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home. 7. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until that huge cake arrives. 8. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off. 9. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :(" 10. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime." 11. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections. 12. Leave Santa a note explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house. 13. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.
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