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Almost Christmas Funnies
December 21, 2001

The Checklist Planning a Christmas weekend of entertaining guests, I made a list of things I needed to do, including taking food out of the freezer and grocery shopping. As it happened, a friend whom I had been promising to take to lunch asked if we could make it that Friday. So, hopping into the car, I taped my "to do" list to the dashboard and went and picked her up. As she settled into the car, her face dropped. "Thanks a lot!" she sulked. Then I glanced at my list and saw the first item: "Take out the Turkey." Unknown Reindeer The game show contestant was only 200 points behind the leader and about to answer the final question, worth 500 points! "To be today's champion," the show's smiling host intoned, "name two of Santa's reindeer." The contestant, a man in his early 30s, gave a sigh of relief, gratified that he had drawn such an easy question. "Rudolph!" he said confidently, "and, ...Olive!" The confused host replied, "Yes, we'll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain... 'Olive?!?'" "You know," the man said, as he impatiently began to sing, "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer - had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed. *Olive,* the other reindeer..." The Turkey Shot Out of the Oven The turkey shot out of the oven and rocketed into the air; It knocked every plate off the table and partly demolished a chair. It ricocheted into a corner and burst with a deafening boom, Then splattered all over the kitchen, completely obscuring the room. It stuck to the walls and the windows, it totally coated the floor; There was turkey attached to the ceiling, where there'd never been turkey before. It blanketed every appliance; it smeared every saucer and bowl; There wasn't a way I could stop it; that turkey was out of control. I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure, and thought with chagrin as I mopped, That I'd never again stuff a turkey with popcorn that hadn't been popped!