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Christmas Fun 7
December 24, 2000

Self serve Christmas A kindly 90-year-old grandmother found buying presents for family and friends a bit much one Christmas, so she wrote out checks for all of them to put in their Christmas cards. In each card she wrote, "Buy your own present" and then sent them off. After the Christmas festivities were over, she found the checks in her desk! Everyone had gotten a Christmas card from her with "Buy your own present" written inside, but without the checks! Christmas Fruitcake Recipe 1 cup water 1 cup sugar 4 large eggs 2 cups dried fruit 1 teaspoon baking soda 1 teaspoon salt 1 cup brown sugar lemon juice nuts 1 gallon whiskey Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup. Turn off mixer. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again. Go to bed. Who the heck likes fruitcake anyway? KRAKOW A man was eating at a diner, when a well-dressed man sitting next to him said, "Excuse me for intruding, but I could not help noticing your accent. Are you from Krakow?" "Yes, I am," replied the surprised man. "It is so nice to meet a land kinsman here in America," said the well-dressed man. "I tell you what. I am a vice-president at the Humor Network. If you ever need a job, give me a call and I will be happy to set you up." Six months go by, and the man loses his job, and decides to call his new friend. He had completely forgotten the man's name at this point, so he decided to take a shot in the dark. The receptionist answered, and he asked, "Pardon me, do you have a Krakauer there?" "Sir," she replied, "we don't even get a coffee break!"