CLASSICS
May 23, 2000
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Petrified Polly David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were,to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. . . Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming - then suddenly there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and he quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior." David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
The Perfect Pet A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The owner says, "How about a dog?" The man replies, "A dog? That's so ordinary! And a dog can't do everything!" The owner says, "How about a cat?" The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!" The owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it -- a centipede!" The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything. But, okay ... I'll try a centipede." He gets the centipede home and says to it, "Clean the kitchen." Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and it's immaculate. All the dishes and silverware have been washed, polished, dried and put away. The countertops have been cleaned. The appliances are sparkling. The floor has been waxed. He's absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room." Twenty minutes later he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed, the furniture clean and dusted, the pillows on the sofa plumped and the plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This is truly a pet that can do everything." He says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper." The centipede walks out the door. Ten minutes later, no centipede. Twenty minutes later, no centipede. Thirty minutes later, no centipede. The man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. Forty-five minutes later, still no centipede! The man can't imagine what happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Finally, he goes to the front door and opens it ... and there's the centipede sitting right outside the door. The man says, "Hey! I sent you 45 minutes ago to run down to the corner and get me a newspaper. What's the story?" The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm puttin' on my shoes!"
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