Jokes Archives - College Bound...August 21st, 1999

College Bound...August 21st, 1999
Today Jason head's off to college...these are for him!!

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love, Your $on.

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad

20 Deep Thoughts......by Dennis Miller
Relax Jas, It's the 1st day. Lighten it up with these...
1. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
2. If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
3. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
4. Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
5. If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
6. And whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word"Lisp"?
7. If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him....Is he still wrong?
8. If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide....is it considered a hostage situation?
9. Is there another word for synonym?
10. Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
11. Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
12. What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?
14. Would a wingless fly be called a walk?
15. Is a shelless turtle homeless or just naked?
16. Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?
17. Why do they put Braille on the drive through bank machines?
18. Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?
19. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
20. What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?

DIPLOMA-CY . A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."

ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED FROM NOAH'S ARK
1. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
2. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old someone might ask you to do something really BIG.
3. Don't listen to critics -- do what has to be done.
4. Build on high ground.
5. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
6. Two heads are better than one.
7. Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were onboard but so were the snails.
8. If you can't fight or flee, then float.
9. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.
10. Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.
11. When the doo-doo gets really deep, don't sit there and complain --shovel!
12. Stay below deck during the storm.
13. If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.
14. "Stop what yer doing and do what God says!"
15. Don't miss the boat.
16. Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger than the storm outside.
17. No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbowon the other side.
18. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals

Where do you want to go today?