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College Daze
April 7, 2000

What Professors Say and What They Really Mean "My office hours are by appointment only." (I like to get out of here early.) "Attendance is required and will be counted in your grade." (I'm so boring that no one would show up otherwise.) "This year I'll be scaling the grades." (I just passed tenure review.) "Bring the text to class." (I don't have a clue how to lecture--we'll just kill time with group read-alongs.) "We'll be spending a fair amount of time on this important concept." (This was my dissertation topic.) "This paper needs some minor revision." (I never actually got around to reading this.) "Not much is known about ..." (I don't know anything about ...) "Well, that answer would be beyond the scope of this course." (I haven't a clue.) "This won't be on the test." (Nap time!) "Please note the last day to withdraw." (The midterm's gonna ruin you.) "You won't be able to sell the text back to the bookstore." (My contract wasn't renewed with the university.) "Well, it was on the syllabus." (I'll hold you responsible for this even though I forgot about it myself.) "The test will all be multiple-choice." (I take questions directly from the study guide and have grad students do all my grading.) "Don't write on the question sheet." (I'm so lazy, I just use the same exams every lousy semester.) "The final will be comprehensive." (I'll expect you to recapitulate in two hours everything I couldn't fully cover, myself, in 15 weeks.) "Let's go over the exam." (Half of you failed.) Feeling OLD?....Read This!!!! A little something to brighten your day...... Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of that year's incoming freshmen. Here is this year's list: The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1982. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and probably did not know he had ever been shot. They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged. Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression. There has been only one Pope. They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War. They have never feared a nuclear war. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up. Tianamen Square means nothing to them. Their lifetime has always included AIDS. Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic. Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums. The expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to them. They have never owned a record player. They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong. They may have never heard of an 8-track. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old. As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 45 cents. They have always had an answering machine. Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black-and-white TV. They have always had cable. There has always been VCR's, but they have no idea what BETA is. They cannot fathom not having a remote control. They were born the year that Walkmen were introducd by Sony. Roller-skating has always meant inline for them. Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show. They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool. Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave. They have never seen Larry Bird play. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws. The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII and the Civil War. They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. They never heard: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, de plane!" They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is. The Titanic was found? They thought we always knew where it was. Michael Jackson has always been white. Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not groups. McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers. There has always been MTV. They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter. Well, there you are... Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to other old timers!!