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LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar,
enabling you to lead your person where you want
him/her to go.
DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the
white bedspread in the guest room or the newly
upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL: What to do when your persons have food
and you don't. To do this properly you must
sit as close as you can and look sad and let the
drool fall to the floor or, better yet, on their laps.
SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other
dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the
other dog's rear end and inhale deeply. Repeat several
times, or until your person makes you stop.
GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put
out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand
on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your
nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with
margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume
and moldy crusts of bread.
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for
dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit,
you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly
and run alongside for a few yards; the person then
swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
DEAFNESS: A malady which affects a dog when its person
wants it in and the dog wants to stay out. Symptoms
include staring blankly at the person, then running in
the opposite direction, or lying down.
THUNDER: A signal that the world is coming to an end.
Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it
is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling
uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and
following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: A dog toy filled with paper, envelopes,
and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over
the basket and strew the papers all over the house
until your person comes home.
SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After
eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the
sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
BATH: A process by which the humans drench the floor,
walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously
and frequently.
LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "sit!" --
especially if your person is dressed for an evening out.
Incredibly effective before black-tie events.
BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when
they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
GOOSE BUMP: A last-resort maneuver used when the Regular
Bump doesn't get the attention you require. Especially
effective when combined with The Sniff (see above).
LOVE: A feeling of intense affection, given freely and
without restriction. To show your love, wag your tail
and gaze adoringly. If you're lucky, a human will love
you in return.
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