Feeling Older
September 26, 2000
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BURNING BRIDGES Two old ladies have played bridge together for many years, and naturally they have gotten to know each other pretty well. One day, during a game of cards, one lady suddenly looks up at the other and says, "I realize we've known each other for many years, but for the life of me, I just can't bring it to mind... would you please tell me your name again, dear?" There is dead silence for a couple of minutes, then the other lady responds, "How soon do you need to know?"
Are You Feeling Older? Here is this year's list: The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1982. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and probably did not even know that he had ever been shot. They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged. Black Monday, 1987, is as significant to them as the Great Depression. There has only been one Pope. They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War. They have never feared a nuclear war. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up. Tianenmen Square means nothing to them. Their lifetime has always included AIDS. Bottle caps have always been screw-off and plastic. Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums. The expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to them. They have never owned a record player. They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong. They may have never heard of an 8-track. The compact disc was introduced when they were one year old. As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 33 cents. They have always had an answering machine. Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels; nor have they seen a black & white TV. They have always had cable. There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA is. They cannot fathom not having a remote control. They were born the year that the Walkman was introduced by Sony. Roller-skating has always meant "inline" for them. Jay Leno has always been on The Tonight Show. They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool. Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave. They have never seen Larry Bird play. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws. The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as World War I, World War II, and the Civil War. They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. They never heard: "Where's the beef?" "I'd walk a mile for a Camel," or "De plane, de plane!" They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is. The Titanic was found? They thought we always knew where it was. Michael Jackson has always been white. Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are all places, not groups. McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers. There has always been MTV. They don't have a clue as to how to use a typewriter.
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