Flying
October 17, 2000
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In Flight Fear A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep. The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do. Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave a nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and pukes all over the big guy's chest. About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him. "So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"
Aviation 101 Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory. If God meant man to fly, He'd have given him more money. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller. (Unless you keep pulling the stick back -then they get bigger again) Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous. It's better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here. The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat. Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky. It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible. The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire. Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man.... Landing is the first! Every one already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great landing.' It's one after which you can use the airplane another time. The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival. Always remember you fly an airplane with your head, not your hands. Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier. You know you've landed with the wheels up when it takes full power to taxi. Those who hoot with the owls by night, should not fly with the eagles by day. A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down - all of them trying to become random in motion. Helicopters can't really fly - they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them. Young man, was that a landing or were we shot down? Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself. Trust your captain .... but keep your seat belt securely fastened. Any pilot who relies on a terminal forecast can be sold the Brooklyn Bridge. If he relies on winds-aloft reports he can be sold Niagara Falls. Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment. Aviation is not so much a profession as it is a disease. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing: Unfortunately, no one knows what they are. The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as copilot is a copilot who once was a captain. Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at your next airline. Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind. A thunderstorm is never as bad on the inside as it appears on the outside. It's worse. It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune. A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman. A fool and his money are soon flying more airplane than he can handle. Remember, you're always a student in an airplane. Keep looking around; there's always something you've missed. Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs. You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back. There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold, pilots! Things which do you no good in aviation: Altitude above you. Runway behind you. Fuel in the truck. Half a second ago. Approach plates in the car. The airspeed you don't have. Flying is the perfect vocation for a man who wants to feel like a boy, but not for one who still is. Asking what a pilot thinks about the FAA is like asking a fireplug what it thinks about dogs. Being an airline pilot would be great if you didn't have to go on all those trips. Gravity never loses! The best you can hope for is a draw!
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