GETTING OLDER
Thanks to Jenni for this one!...
August 8, 2000
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You can eat dinner at 4:00 p.m. * Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. * Kidnappers are not very interested in you. * It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick. * If you've never smoked, you can start now and it won't have time to hurt you. * People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. * Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. * Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size. * Your eyes won't get much worse. * Things you buy now won't wear out. * No one expects you to run into a burning building. * There's nothing left to learn the hard way. * Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service. * In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. BUT, WAIT, THERE'S MORE! * You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead. * You can live without sex but not without glasses. * Your back goes out more than you do. * You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. * You buy a compass for the dash of your car. * You sing along with the elevator music. * You constantly talk about the price of gasoline. * You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. * You consider coffee one of the most important things in life. * You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. * People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?" * You send money to PBS. * The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants. * You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television. * Your ears are hairier than your head. * You get into a heated argument about pension plans. * You got cable for the weather channel. ("Old Folks MTV"). * You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
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