The Benefits of Growing Older,
(and you thought there weren't any)
August 31, 2000
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In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?" People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. There's nothing left to learn the hard way. Things you buy now won't wear out. You buy a compass for the dash of your car. You can eat dinner at 4:00. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television. You consider coffee one of the most important things in life. You constantly talk about the price of gasoline. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. You get into a heated argument about pension plans. You got cable for the weather channel. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper. Your eyes won't get much worse. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
When I was your age... A young man, an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he too was golfing alone. Not having any reason to say no, he invited the old fellow to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but moved along quite consistently and didn't waste time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball, directly between the ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I played this course many, many times. Even had a lie similar to yours. Back then, I hit the ball right over that tree." With that challenge placed before him, the younger man gave it his best. He took a mighty swing, hit the ball up, and right back down. He'd hit it directly into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back to the ground, not more than a foot from where it had originally been. Taking a deep breath, he tried again. Same result. Another deep breath, another try, same result. "Darn," he exclaimed, "How did you ever get the ball over this freaking tree?" The old man replied, "Well, when I was your age that pine tree was only about 7 feet tall."
Sharp as a Tack One day, two old men at a retirement home were sitting on the front porch. One man says to the other, "Ya know, Bill, if you think about it, we are not that old. I mean, my memory is still very good." As the man said this, he knocked on the wood chair beside him. "Actually, sharp as ever." After a couple minutes of silence, he said, "So, is anyone going to get the door or do I have to do it?"
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