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Frequently Asked Questions About Health Care
Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase,
"Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard,
who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his
foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the
physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and
referral slips, but the result remains the same.
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only
those you need.
Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I
want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your
insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were
participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These
doctors basically fall into two categories--those who are no longer
accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part
of the plan. But don't worry--the remaining doctor who is still in the plan
and accepting new patients has an office just a half day's drive away!
Q. What are pre-existing conditions?
A. This is a phrase used by the
grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions.
Unfortunately, we appear to be pre- stuck with it.
Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A. Certainly,
as long as they don't require any treatment.
Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll
need to find alternative forms of payment.
Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I
tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I
do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.
Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My
insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery, but I'd already
paid my bill. What should I do?
A. You have two choices. Your doctor can
sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the
money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists
hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.
Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
A. Try sitting in a
different part of the bus.
Q. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really
shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care
physician. It's best to wait until you return, and then get sick.
Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle
my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant
right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're
risking is the $10 co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.
Q. What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?
A. Doctors
trying to recoup their investment losses.
Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?
A. No, but if you
call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
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