HOW TO SURVIVE TO THE END OF A HORROR MOVIE
January 5, 2001
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* When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead. * Never read a book of demon-summoning aloud, even as a joke. * Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out. * If you see something in a mirror and turn around to find nothing there don't look back at the mirror. Just leave the room. * If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice. * As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell. * If moaning is coming from another area of a house don't try to find the source. * If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, GET OUT! * If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around. * If you're lost and camping in the woods and something brushes alongside the tent, don't unzip the doorway and stick your head out! * Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know that you're doing. * If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you. If you find yourself in a house with a barred entryway to another room, don't jimmy the bars open to get a look inside. * Remember that hooded folks standing around a bonfire in a deserted place just might not want to be bothered. * If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange because you thought you had half of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY: * When trying to escape from a serial killer, never run UPstairs. |
