Lightbulb Politics
October 26, 2000
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Q: How many Democrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 5,446 14 White House aides to appear on the Sunday morning news shows denying that the bulb is burned out. 8 White House aides to blame the previous administration. 4 major news anchors to call the Republicans mean-spirited. 243 children to stand behind Clinton as he explains the impact of burned-out bulbs on our children and how the mean-spirited Republicans want our children to grow up in darkness 1 First Lady to say changing the light bulb takes a village. 9 Hollywood stars to testify as experts because they played a movie role in which they changed light bulbs. 15 White House spin-doctors to put the best light on it. 103 U.S. representatives to tell us only Washington, D.C., really knows how to change a light bulb. 1 president to tell us that he feels our darkness and has 18 new federal programs to prevent burned out light bulbs, and that he has vivid memories of black light bulbs burning out during his childhood in Arkansas. 42 cruise missiles to take the heat off the burned-out bulb. 1 campaign advisor to recommend the use of red light bulbs. 1 vice president to inform us of the environmental impact of changing a light bulb. 2 White House advisors to devise a tax on those who are unfairly able to change their own light bulbs. 1 dead White House lawyer who can be blamed for anything that can't be pinned on the Republicans. 1 White House ghost who can retrieve the light bulb files that no one else knows anything about. 5,000 bureaucrats to make sure that the bulb is changed correctly, doesn't offend anyone, doesn't impact the environment, doesn't unfairly benefit one group, doesn't harm anyone during the installation, and is up to 1,945 specifications for light bulbs.
12 to investigate Clinton's involvement in the failure of the old bulb. 23 to deregulate the light-bulb industry. 16 to cut funding for alternative lighting R&D. 34 to cut the marginal tax rate on high-wattage light bulbs. 9 to threaten trade sanctions if Germany and Japan don't start buying more 110-volt bulbs. 53 to design a block grant so the states can change the bulb. 41 to chat with defense contractors about equipping everyone in the building with night-vision gear instead. And 283 to pass a law making it illegal to discuss screwing light bulbs on the Internet.
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