Ponder This...
December 28, 1999
Speeder's Hymns
Now, for those who speed on the highway - a few hymns for you:
45 mph.................God Will Take Care of You
55 mph.................Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah
65 mph.................Nearer My God to Thee
75 mph.................Nearer Still Nearer
85 mph.................This World Is Not My Home
95 mph.................Lord, I'm Coming Home
and over 100 mph.......Precious Memories
Ever Wondered?... - After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
- How can there be self-help "groups"?
- If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
- Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
- Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
- When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
- When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
- When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're sitting there, staring at carpeting?
- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
- Why do they report power outages on TV?
- I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
- I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.
- Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
- There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
- What a nice night for an evening.
- Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
- My girlfriend is weird. She asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay, then forget it."
- When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"
SIGNS THAT CHILDHOOD IS OVER
Just one peanut butter and jelly sandwich doesn't do it anymore.
Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun.
The average ten-year-old doesn't have a clue who Bo and Luke Duke are.
Being bad is no longer cool.
You have friends who have kids.
Saturday mornings are for sleeping.
You are taller than the slide at the McDonald's playland.
Your parents' jokes are now funny.
You have once said, 'Whatch-you talkin' 'bout Willis?'
You have owned, and since disowned Michael Jackson's Thriller.
You would rather wear your dirty clothes again, cuz mom is not there to do your laundry anymore.
Naps are good.
You have once deemed Space Invaders as 'The best game ever'.
When things go wrong, you can't just yell, 'Do-over!'
You actually buy scarves, gloves, and sunscreen.
Your idea of fun parties now include Chips 'n' Salsa and Snapple.
You leave concerts and ballgames early to beat the crowd.
You WANT clothes for Christmas.
You don't want a Camaro because of the insurance premiums.
You look in the surveillance camera monitor at the convenience store, wonder who that guy is standing at the counter with the bald spot, and then realize it is a shot of you from behind.
