Southern Advice
January 26, 2000
|
Advice to any outsider visiting or moving to the Southern
States: If you are from the any other region of the US and planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adjust to the difference in lifestyles: If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a 12 pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store. Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all ya'll's" is plural possessive. Get used to hearing "You ain't from around here, are ya?" You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Y'all oughta not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!" Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," as in "big'ol truck" or "big'ol boy." Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper. For example, In Kentucky the town of Versailles is pronounced 'Ver-sales' and Bourbon County is pronounced 'Bur-bin'. Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here. {This is especially valid if you're messin' with the wife of a deputy sheriff or wealthy landowner, or alienating the affections of someone's hound dog.} If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say. {And if this exclamation is accompanied by either pickup trucks or blasting caps RUN!!!} If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there. Don't ask questions, just do it. When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the >road, >remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere, and that >this is >the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle. Do not be surprised to find that 10 year olds own their own shotguns and are proficient marksmen. Or that their mamas taught them how to aim. {ol' John's lesson in life #362 - "Be very careful 'bout dating any woman who has had two previous hubbys/boyfriends die in mysterious hunting accidents."} In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway. If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits. Think about it...
|
