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For those who didn't have time to watch the presidential debate, we've prepared
this transcript of what was said. Enjoy. Jim Lehrer:
Welcome to the second presidential debate between Vice President Al Gore and
Gov. George W. Bush. The candidates have agreed on these rules: I will ask a
question. The candidate will ignore the question and deliver rehearsed remarks
designed to appeal to undecided women voters. The opponent will then have one minute to respond by trying to frighten senior
citizens into voting for him. When a speaker's time has expired, I will whimper
softly while he continues to spew incomprehensible statistics for three more
minutes.
Let's start with the vice president. Mr. Gore, can you give us the name of a
downtrodden citizen and then tell us his or her story in a way that strains the
bounds of common sense?
Gore:
As I was saying to Tipper last night after we tenderly kissed the way we have so
often during the 30 years of our rock-solid marriage, the downtrodden have a
clear choice in this election.
My opponent wants to cut taxes for the richest 1% of Americans. I, on the other
hand, want to put the richest 1% in an ironclad lockbox so they can't hurt old
people like Roberta Frampinhamper, who is here tonight.
Mrs. Frampinhamper has been selling her internal organs, one by one, to pay for
gas so that she can travel to these debates and personify problems for me.
Also, her poodle has arthritis.
Lehrer:
Gov. Bush, your rebuttal.
Bush:
Governors are on the front lines every day, hugging people, crying with them,
relieving suffering anywhere a photo opportunity exists. I want to empower
those crying people to make their own decisions, unlike my opponent, whose
mother is not Barbara Bush.
Lehrer:
Let's turn to foreign affairs. Gov. Bush, if Slobodan Milosevic were to launch
a bid to return to power in Yugoslavia, would you be able to pronounce his name?
Bush:
The current administration had eight years to deal with that guy and didn't get
it done. If I'm elected, the first thing I would do about that guy is have Dick
Cheney confer with our allies. And then Dick would present me several options
for dealing with that guy. And then Dick would tell me which one to choose.
You know, as governor of Texas, I have to make tough foreign policy decisions
every day about how we're going to deal with New Mexico.
Lehrer:
Mr. Gore, your rebuttal.
Gore:
Foreign policy is something I've always been keenly interested in.
I served my country in Vietnam. I had an uncle who was a victim of poison gas
in World War I. I myself lost a leg in the Franco-Prussian War. And when that
war was over, I came home and tenderly kissed Tipper in a way that any undecided
woman voter would find romantic.
If I'm entrusted with the office of president, I pledge to deal knowledgeably
with any threat, foreign or domestic, by putting it in an ironclad lockbox.
Because the American people deserve a president who can comfort them with simple
metaphors.
Lehrer:
Vice President Gore, how would you reform the Social Security system?
Gore:
It's a vital issue, Jim. That's why Joe Lieberman and I have proposed changing
the laws of mathematics to allow us to give $50,000 to every senior citizen
without having it cost the federal treasury a single penny until the year 2250.
In addition, my budget commits $60 trillion over the next 10 years to guarantee
that all senior citizens can have drugs delivered free to their homes every
Monday by a federal employee who will also help them with the child-proof cap.
Lehrer:
Gov. Bush?
Bush:
That's fuzzy math. I know, because as governor of Texas, I have to do math
every day. I have to add up the numbers and decide whether I'm going to fill
potholes out on Rt. 36 east of Abilene or commit funds to reroof the sheep barn
at the Texas state fairgrounds.
Lehrer:
It's time for closing statements. Mr. Gore, you can start.
Gore:
I'm my own man. I may not be the most exciting politician, but I will fight for
the working families of America, in addition to turning the White House into a
lusty pit of marital love for Tipper and me.
Bush:
It's time to put aside the partisanship of the past by electing no one but
Republicans.
Lehrer:
Good night.
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