Thursday's Funnies 4
April 26, 2001
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Please Divert This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a U.S. naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. {**Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10/10/95**} Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision. Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER U.S.S. LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES FLEET, THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS ACCOMPANY US. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE TAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
Telltale Signs You're not a kid anymore when ... 1. You're asleep but others worry that you're dead. 2. Your back goes out more than you do. 3. You no longer laugh at Preparation H commercials. 4. The only reason you're awake at 4 a.m. is indigestion. 5. The pharmacy gives you a volume discount. 6. You are proud of your lawnmower. 7. 8 a.m. is your idea of "sleeping in." 8. People call you at 8 p.m. and ask: "Did I wake you?" 9. Your high school diploma is the color of buttermilk. 10. Digestion is a consideration when reading a menu. 11. Nobody ever tells you to slow down. 12. You make everyone be quiet during weather bulletins. 13. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. 14. You have to get a fire permit to light your birthday candles. 15. You're always asked to say the blessing. 16. Your ears are hairier than your head. 17. You've seen Halley's Comet ... Twice. 18. Your idea of the perfect nightcap is Metamucil.
Eyewitness A jeweler watched as a huge truck pulled up in front of his store. The back came down and an elephant walked out. It broke one of the windows with its tusk and then, using its trunk like a vacuum cleaner sucked up all of the jewelry. The elephant then got back in the truck and it disappeared out of sight. When the jeweler finally regained his senses he called the police. The detectives came and he told them his story. "Could you describe the elephant?" the cop asked. "An elephant is an elephant," he replied. "You've seen one you've seen them all. What do you mean 'describe' him?" "Well," said the policeman, "there are two types of elephants, African and Indian. The Indian elephant has smaller ears and is not as large as the African elephant." "I can't help you out," said the frustrated jeweler, "he had a stocking pulled over his head."
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