Weekend Funnies 5
August 26, 2000
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How to Tell Where Drivers Are From 1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO 2. One hand on wheel, one gesturing hand out window: NEW YORK 3. One hand on wheel, one gesturing hand out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY 4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON 5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES 6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: from OHIO, but driving in CALIFORNIA 7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: ITALY 8. One hand on 12 oz. Double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE 9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out window: TEXAS 10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: ALABAMA 11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA
Straightening Things Out Two men were riding a motorcycle on a windy winter day. When it became too breezy for one man, he put his jacket on backwards to keep the wind from blowing it open. A few miles down the road, the motorcycle hit a tree, killing the driver and stunning the man with the backwards coat. Later, when the coroner visited the scene, he asked a rookie policeman standing nearby: "What happened?" "Well, the officer replied, "one of them was dead when I got here, and by the time I got the head of the other one straightened around, he was dead, too."
OH, BABY A woman gets on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." Furious, the woman slammed her money into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea" the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
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